"Hey, Do You Want to Have S£x?"

What do you notice happens in your body when you read/hear those words? Are you usually the one to initiate or suggest? Or perhaps you are one that receives this request from your partner; and more often than your body truly desires to? And mind you, NO ONE is bad, wrong or broken here!

​Or…do you ever find yourself thinking, “It’s been a while now, I suppose we should have s3x”?

Has your physical intimacy become patterned, predictable and scripted? Perhaps you find that you are “enduring”, or feel like there is pressure towards an ‘outcome’ for tension/stress relief?

If NOTHING changes or transforms about the current state of your sex life, what will that mean for you, moving forward? What will that mean for your relationship, moving forward? If you are ready to TRANSFORM YOUR INTIMATE RELATING….I’ve got you! (How I Work With Clients)

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​And let me start by saying, this is nervous system work! If it never happens that your body is able to reach a visceral state of feeling centered, landed, safe enough and softened enough to be present to sensations in your body, to be able to FOLLOW pleasure, and enter into a state of authentic curiosity and playfulness….then you are most likely in a physiological state of threat. 

For the partner saying, “Hey…do you want to have sex?”: Are you able to REALLY feel into what it is that you are ACTUALLY feeling or wanting in that moment? If you are not able to 'land in' and feel yourself, it is likely that your partner also cannot feel you. Both bodies may be experiencing a cascade of “threat responses” that are so ‘familiar’, that what happens next can also be all too familiar patterns of behavior. Again, NO ONE is bad, wrong, or broken. But these ARE signals! And it is POSSIBLE to experience more pleasure, joy, playfulness, aliveness and connection!

Sometimes, the “urge” to “have sex” in this moment can actually be the body experiencing threat physiology. (And we could go off into another whole discussion about what "sex" even IS to each of the partners!) This person may be experiencing activation that is beyond their body’s capacity to contain, feel, transmute or move through. In referring to Jaiya’s Erotic Blueprints™, we could say that this person has a “Sexual Blueprint” wiring. Yes…AND…let’s also look REALLY close to map and track the state of their nervous system. Could this person actually be experiencing a state of overwhelm, fight or flight (hyper-arousal)?

Or…located on the other end of the spectrum are very common states of hypo-arousal: fawn, freeze and collapse. This can sometimes be interpreted as the "Energetic Blueprint" Type. Especially for those socialized as a girl/woman, fawning behavior is VERY common. And many of us may even find that we have actually been doing this for YEARS! Again…NO ONE is bad, wrong or broken. But at some point, our body/psyche/soul may start to create “symptoms” of contraction, pain, “low libido” or simply no longer desiring to have sex. But more than likely…we NEVER learned what it is that we actually TRULY wanted or desired….or how to ask for it!

Learn more about "How Fawning Affects Your Sex Life" HERE.

Now…regardless of whether we are finding ourselves more often in states of “hyper-arousal” or “hypo-arousal”…..it is likely we HAVE found ourselves in patterns that we are all too familiar with, and too close to, to be able to navigate and transform on our own. And there are sooo many nuanced aspects at play here! And THIS is why…when I work with clients, together we include and consider all the following:

• Pleasure Anatomy & The Sex Education We Never Had
• Learning About Embodied Boundaries & Consent
• Experiencing Attuned Receiving & Giving of Touch
• Attachment Strategies & Threat Physiology
• Scar Tissue Remediation/Somatic Trauma Resolution
• Generational, Cultural, Religious, Familial, Relational, Developmental, Peri- and Pre-natal, Complex and Existential Imprints.
• The Body Holds Our History! And May Also Empower our Agency, Sovereignty, Autonomy & Liberation!
• As a Trauma-Trained Somatic Sexologist, I Include Touch, WHOLE Bodywork, + Direct-Experience Learning!

And we can't forget about the curiosity, the playfulness, the adventure, the edgy exploration and the transcendent ecstasy! We get to play with the Erotic Blueprints™, Tantric elements, erotic tension, polarity, power dynamics, sensual kink and more! But we only incorporate that as desired, and at a pace that is consciously attuned to each person's nervous system and to each moment that is arising and unfolding. 

This work is NOT about bypassing, shaming or judging what is being experienced and expressed, and overlaying with fancy tools or techniques. There are very good reasons that your body chooses modes of protection. My commitment and intention is to create a container and the conditions where we get to mindfully and compassionately go to the source, the root, of what is wanting to be seen, witnessed and expressed, and then offer opportunities to expand into new learning and new possibilities! 

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